the last time...

when i started the blogspot in dec/jan, i hoped to update it on a regular base, even if its once a day... or afew times a week... I must admit i did a piss weak job at keeping it... considering i havnt posted here for 6 month... this.. will be the last blog i make online.
back then i was troubled... i could have said that it was because of the girl i liked back then, but im just kidding myself... the truth is, its family...
its because of my relationship with my parents, thats the key point.
I never understood the concept of forming friends with your parents... I see my friend's parents being so open about things, going out and so on, when comparing to mine... i must admit that whilst I was never a good son... they werent exactly good at parenting me.
For the last 10 years of my life... I have been in a fight, where i was the underdog. My enemy, was ironically, my parents. Whilst they tried to control me... i have always fought back... winning the temporary grounds but ultimately losing again and again.. In those 10 years... I have never thought about giving up, yet.. the result is me losing again and again... maybe to the friends I have, I seem to be so free, smiling... joking... having no worries but deciding which other chick I wanna chase each day, but to me, those are just the escape... the shell i created around myself to cover my own troubles...
Each time, like this time, the blow from my parents is not huge... but I am sick of it... sick of fighting... sick of being tired... sick of knowing I am not worthy of the son they want... sick of me unable to be the son they want... sick of their looks of disapproval when they look at me... sick of this place which i wish to call home, yet never feels like home... sick of the awkwardness of them near me...
For those of you that been to my house.... that portrait that you saw is nothing but a dream which my parents wanted, nothing but a reminder of me that I am honestly shamed to even admit...
This will be the last battle im gonna fight... which i have lost yet again... I can fight another one... win for a while... but ultimately lose... but whats the point... im just sick and tired of all of this...
U gotta know that there are wars u cant win... and this one... will be one of them...
I give up fighting against them... maybe its for the best... if i cant be happy both ways... i mite as well as me less tired... mentally and physically...
I give up

cycles

whatever goes around, comes around... tHis cycle.. Im sick of it... Yeh im still spinning helplessly in it.. I want to change its course.. but... Im afraid of that accidental death if it goes terribly wrong... Why change anything at the risk of death when all u need to do is to endure the temperary pain and happiness this ride provides.. Why the risk?
i remember a shelled up life... I once had... Oh.. how i miss the bliss i once had about life... im a fortunate person... I have a roof over my head, enough food to ensure i dont die... Clothe to fend off the cold nights... I should be content.. Yet.. Im not.. possibly driven by my own greed, desire and jealousness (if its an actual word), i want more... And more... And more. In short.. Im selfish and stuck in my own imaginary world...
Maybe i shouldnt bash myself too hard... But by doing so... I mite wake up from my dreams and realise im not as great as how i think of myself...
I honestly dont know what im really saying... Just like i cant even communicate with anyone lately.. there are stuff i wanna say.. But i cant put it into words... When im alone i want pplz to be around.. And when i am with pplz i want nothing to be by myself... It feels like no one understands me as much as i thought they would... Even tho they probably do... everyone has their own issues... So it does make sense...
Feeling so tired lately... Physically even then i didnt do alot.. i sometimes can feel the old me... But now.. Im not so sure... Im afraid of it going back to 3 weeks ago...
Anyways for anyone who reads this blog, 801 and counting, 30 bux if u guess what the number represents, one guess only, end of this is end of the week :) i will be impressed if u get it right tho :P
Over and out

Moments of joy...

so i havnt blogged for a while, but its been an busy week/weeks, xmas, new year, uni prefences, open day, learning to drive, an so on on, just been juggling everything slowly. Keeping busy is good, but it cant fill the sense of lost i been feeling lately..., truth and reality are harsh stuff... While denial, stupidity and dreams can be somewhat of a bliss. I wish there is a way to express how i really feel atm.. But there are no real way, i know its not the end of the world... But hell, it sure feel like it... Fun stuff are fun... But when u mixxed the wrong fun together... As my little short asian friend says... dont even think about it...
All this made me think about the common quote spoken by bros.. 'bbh' or.. 'bros before hoes'... When i was younger... I would have said that like that without a blink of an eye.. But im older now... while not wiser perhaps... But certainly more realistic... Been in love...or in my case, been in like (oh man that is always weird to say) Doesnt make sense, it makes u do stuff u wouldnt do... and... make one choose between brohood, or the girl/woman he desires... While i doubt i can choose correctly... like i said... Reality is cruel and harsh... What is meant to happen, mite not be how you imagine it to be... I dont know what im trying to say tbh... All i know is im been stubborn about the impossible and rediculus as it sound, (even to me) it hurts... Not physically... Not even mentally... But hell it hurts...
Maybe im just... Weak willed... But what can i do?? Rite now im not even me... just a depressing side of me... Silent and just deep in thought... And seeking moments of joy.. living seconds by seconds... Minutes by minutes... what doesnt kill me... definately isnt making me stronger.., more like drugs or alcohol... Its consuming me and making me addicted.. Slowly and there is nothing i feel i could do to save myself... Or even wanting to stop tbh...
She was rite... It wasnt the best time for any of us... Esp for me... And even now i dont think its the rite time... oh llol... dont mistaken me.. Im not saying i have a chance... But i dont know what i want.... At all tbh... No... I know what i want... Just dont have my priority right... Wrong timing... With alot of mistakes... Makes everything so fatal... And so painful...
my bday is coming up... But... why do i feel so worried about it?? im hoping you are wrong... But... I think like always... you will be rite as usual...'if u cant beat them... Join them no?'
Just a random thought...
From
Some random guy