when i started the blogspot in dec/jan, i hoped to update it on a regular base, even if its once a day... or afew times a week... I must admit i did a piss weak job at keeping it... considering i havnt posted here for 6 month... this.. will be the last blog i make online.
back then i was troubled... i could have said that it was because of the girl i liked back then, but im just kidding myself... the truth is, its family...
its because of my relationship with my parents, thats the key point.
I never understood the concept of forming friends with your parents... I see my friend's parents being so open about things, going out and so on, when comparing to mine... i must admit that whilst I was never a good son... they werent exactly good at parenting me.
For the last 10 years of my life... I have been in a fight, where i was the underdog. My enemy, was ironically, my parents. Whilst they tried to control me... i have always fought back... winning the temporary grounds but ultimately losing again and again.. In those 10 years... I have never thought about giving up, yet.. the result is me losing again and again... maybe to the friends I have, I seem to be so free, smiling... joking... having no worries but deciding which other chick I wanna chase each day, but to me, those are just the escape... the shell i created around myself to cover my own troubles...
Each time, like this time, the blow from my parents is not huge... but I am sick of it... sick of fighting... sick of being tired... sick of knowing I am not worthy of the son they want... sick of me unable to be the son they want... sick of their looks of disapproval when they look at me... sick of this place which i wish to call home, yet never feels like home... sick of the awkwardness of them near me...
For those of you that been to my house.... that portrait that you saw is nothing but a dream which my parents wanted, nothing but a reminder of me that I am honestly shamed to even admit...
This will be the last battle im gonna fight... which i have lost yet again... I can fight another one... win for a while... but ultimately lose... but whats the point... im just sick and tired of all of this...
U gotta know that there are wars u cant win... and this one... will be one of them...
I give up fighting against them... maybe its for the best... if i cant be happy both ways... i mite as well as me less tired... mentally and physically...
I give up
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