one act

its been a while since i wrote something here, i spend yesterday, well the afternoon more like to rethink about simon's bday... If anything, i make a terrible person and worst of all a horrible friend... and its not because she isnt worth the effort... Its just been me, me all along... Im not the worthy enough to do this, too immature... Too stupid and pathetic... More then ever, im dissappointed in myself.. And i dont trust myself... Or know who im anymore. Its all fine to say, u made a mistake and drunk too much... But it wasnt true... I purposely wanted tp fuck up literally my last chance... I regret it now... But nothing can bring that back... Just totally weak...
Funny how barely 1 week ago i was so confident about this... But.. its been life changing times lately... I did some stupid shit which can probably never fix. I am sorry for it but keeping on apologising doesnt fix it, but we both dont know how it's meant to be fixed aye? Maybe time matey, but there is one thing im gonna disagree on.. U aint gonna forget and forgive easily and she is definately not just a girl lol... sigh...maybe time is the medine i need... But right now its also a poison which is consuming me.
its easy to see what i did... But the question is why did i do it, mix it with a strongly dunken mind and alot of desperation... And a hint of anger would explain only abit... But definately not the whole story. Stuff was on my mind and sigh.. I shouldnt have worried about it... not because i shouldnt give a fuck, but im really tacless when it comes to shit like this... And i bottle up alot of it... Only when my guard is down i let it out... And it doesn't make it better in the end...
Days goes by and nite creeps away, new year tics by and im once again blinded... Sigh... i need to take my mind off stuff and freecell isnt cutting it... Either is having no comp,,, sigh..
Thanks for all of the pplz that looked after me when i was super drunk...
On a happier note, i iwsh everyone of you guys happy christmas and hopefully get alot of presents :)

Since last night... I have thought really hard into everything that has been going on in my life. Stuff that are both small and big. I realised that some stuff are meant to happen like when two good friend's ideals clash against each other, perhaps accepting that the friendship will take a turn for the worse and perhaps... not survive.

I have also realised that when stuff are not meant to work out, regardless of the reasons behind, it probably doesn't work out for a good reason. For the better half of the last 2 weeks, i think i been dreaming something which isnt possible, and figuring out how to change myself for that cause instead of changing for myself. Maybe in the end it is a "bonus" as someone once put it to me.

If anything coming to riverwood has taught me, is that I do not want to be the old me, gambling away and living it day by day... I like plans, organisation and ironically (given my home situation), stability more then ever since coming here. The more I think about it now... In many ways I want to become more mature about life, and start taking up responsibilities... Lol, yes You heard it right.

In fact i just gave my dad a call just to see how he is doing in Melbourne just then (no joke), if that means anything to any of you guys.

So ya... gonna look into my courses tomorrow and probably go and buy a shirt or something :)

Then monday popping to bas' to do bum around^^

Just stuff

Life takes unexpected turns and unexpected results. Things seemed impossible 2 minutes ago became possible and somethings just stay the same... just always the same. Others stuff seemed possible but now seems impossible. With all that out of the way, the most important thing is that nothing will happen if no one do anything about it.

So I am over at riverwood atm, gonna stay here for the rest of the week with a friend of mine. I gotta say, so far i have fought the temptation of how my mess started. For once, i actually feel more and more in control of what I can or can't do. Maybe it will give me the courage to do what i want to do. This sometimes feel like a double edged blade, because I am not doing this for myself, rather for a reason... should my reason fail me, I could turn back twice as fast. Right now, this is my main worry... But then again, if you don't try... how can u even achieve it?

I can't keep pushing it back, but right now it's not the right time... just hoping for a miracle which will never come really...

Showdown is in a week... lets see how it will work for ... well all of us really


Fireflies <3

perspectives...

I have always wondered if a hero of any story knows their true peril in the face of danger and see it as clear as the audience that is watching their every movement... Now, I am not saying I am a hero, but hell, no matter what you are involved in, I don't think you see it as clearly as others who are around you. The last week... was blinding for me, nothing really went well, everything seemed to have gone wrong, rather horribly. But I guess its how someone deals with it really. You could ignore it, run away from it or embrace it and take it on..., for the entire last week... I picked the running away choice and well, it didn't work well at all.

This week... I don't know if I am exactly embracing it, but I am certainly not running away. Sure, im still doing some stupid shit, like trying to pay for some people's lunch when I am well (not exactly broke) but not in a great position to do such a thing. I don't know really, Monday was an interesting day for me, I think i epically failed the day (on the scale of epic failness, 9/10 :P) and scabbed myself some redemption points that night tho. After all, you can only epic fail one thing a day no?

There are also many things that hit me after sunday (cheers for the talk, Mrs I-am-short-and-I-can-make-Peter-scared-of-me) :P, one of them was gambling.
I havn't gambled for a long while now... almost a month ish? And last night, I realised that the reason why I started gambling and why I continued it... it was completely different...
I went into casino the first time to have some fun and see how well I can play, but... it turned from first time for the lolz, second time to see if I can do it again and after... just pure gambling... I wasn't even thinking much... just chucking money away hoping i can win... Am I saying I'm going to quit from going there ever again? No, not really... but I am taking a long long long long break from it and not turn it into a weekly event. That was just one of the few things I start seeing differently.

There are still alot of stuff to work on... one of them i think i did a good job today, hopefully i can do another tomorrow, which is tbh, my only real inspiration to all this stuff.

P.S. hsc bands comes out in 5 hours... I don't think i will be checking anything until dinner on the 17th tho.

for once.. i sort of look forward to when i wake up :)

life... sucks????

life sometimes takes an unexpected turn, for the better, for the worse. Its seemed so long ago when i was looking at my bedroom and its everything i was used to, it was ridiculus to think that i had everything figured out and that my plans would just somehow make sense and all will be well and that , everything is gonna work out, dont know really tbh, i want to live a life where i look forward to each day... right now, im dying(figuratively)..., i cant even motivate myself much anymore..., and having stupid thoughts, (not suicidal, if thats what your thinking about).
I cant even explain it...,

some people believe that life is a rollercoaster... but if life is a rollercoaster, surely the going down part is the "fun" part, while the going back up part is a build up of the good times no? I dont know really.. it seems like either atm, im not having a good time nor am i building up to have a good time... im just wasting my time waiting for a fucking number... which is going to tell me pretty much what im going to do for the "rest" of my life... either i failed, or gotten enough to go to a uni...

I tell myself i shouldnt worry about something i have no control over... but seriously... im worried... im not going to lie and say, hey its just a number, as much as i want to pretend this is...

there are alot of stuff which isnt making sense at all atm... stuff isnt adding up... well either ways... this thing has been somewhere on my mind ever since the last time everyone meet up, for the last time..., u can say its somewhat on the top of my to do list... even tho it shouldnt be with all the crazy stuff going on atm... but... i cant help it if this is a tough puzzle on my mind no... its not because i want a thrill... but i cant help how i feel... I really... suck... at... this... entire thing... lol, always the mondays where i need to fail huh :P

Speaking of mondays, not sure if im really up for it for anything next week... just havnt been me at all lately... I doubt the guy above me will let me off the hooks tho, cause if i dont go... its pretty much gg for everything i have my eyes set on... because its worth it....., I know its worth it... but the question is.. am i worthy it? I love to have an answer for that... but really... only i can answer it... when i know myself better...

peace out

one time

girls

well, its about time i hit to this topic, i mean, i talked about friends, and how confused im lately, lets talk about something well, more optimistic... Funnily, this isnt a topic of who I wanna bone, or how hot X, Y, Z is. This is more of how I find girls have the ability never tell the full truth (even if they try), and something they say is well... vague...., extremely vague. I was chatting to a friend of mine, (yes I have friends, shock horror, who happened to be a girl, more shock horror) about my recent love problems, and so i was telling her about it and asking if i had good chances or not. Seriously, if you ever want straight forward answers... do not ask a girl, EVERRRR, because she basically told me that maybe whatever I was doing is right, but then again its wrong. The past might matter, but then again it was the past so it might not. So basically she told me nothing T.T, yeh guys, so next time when u need some love advise, DO NOT ask a chick, but dont ask a guy either, cause we suck at it big timeeeeeeeee, and when i say big time, i mean it.

Another thing that sucks is that sometimes, u figure out what u gonna say to this person, and when the time comes, you just freeze up. I called a friend of mine up just recently (er.. less then an hour), fuck, i had everything planned out, i knew wht i was gonna say and then, BAMMMM, i forgot... everything... and i literally kept saying um, um, um while thinking of saying something to say T.T, yeh, epicly failed big time. Sigh, I made a fool out of myself and its 11:30am in the morning, what a lovely day its gonna be XD

hmm

well, its been a long tiring day, lately i been going out so much, swimming mainly but... yeh, im amazed at how unfit im now, used to be able to keep up with all the physical excerises but now..., lifes abit cazy atm for me but once i settle into everything and have some time to myself, hitting the gym is definately somewhere on top of my to do list.

anyways, i realised that sometimes pplz are not who they seem to be... or maybe that others are more positive in their thinking when things do not go according to HOW u imagine it to be..., I dont know anymore... i used to think i know, now... i dont, maybe i never did... and it was just a stumble in the blind for me..., ah fuck, i might be just thinking too much, its been a longgg day....
im just gonna sit here, and wait for my miracle to happen hopefully..., dont get me wrong, im just in this mood i havnt felt for a long while... it feels weird to get that feeling, while i dont wish it to happen, but... to some extend, it brings me a sense of... down to earth feeling? a reality check to say, yo, you aint as awesome as u like to think. I dont know... hopefully i shall get something i wished for, and i hope its tonight... altho with clock ticking today away, i doubt it...

over and out

yo

i havnt blogged for ages... maybe 2-3 years? this is more of a im bored and i feel like talking kinda thing, i try keep everything as subtle as possible, as i dont know which random stalker you are as ANYONE apparently can view my blogs, but seriously, if you know me, then u know exactly what im talking about.

im just gonna get started with the topic of friends..., this is a recent realisation for me, but i got some damn awesome supporting friends who puts up with alot of my stupid shits. No joke, pplz who would just talk to me, support me when im down or worried, make me do stuff i should do even if i chicken out, and esp today, i still have alot of bruises from the abuse i recieved from the lot of you, but hey, i deserved it completely. But thank you for been there and i know i dont show my appreciations much (if any), but tyvm.

In the hope that my subject of the day will not read this, (which i doubt anyways, cause i would probably be like, zomg read thissss :P, so HI if you ever come to this rant cornor, ) i gotta say that i pretty much epicly failed the entire day and that my last attempt to save it probably did no good anyways, am i gonna give up? nope and do i know what im gonna do? Fuck no, its literally a stumble in the mud for me mostly, but hey... i will get there... if i believe in myself enough AND IF I START DOING SOMETHING. It sure wasnt positive, but it wasnt that... "negative" or so i hope XD.

I know what i gotta do really... but it seems so difficult to do it... oh wellz,
back to the planning board for me i guess

peace out