the last time...

when i started the blogspot in dec/jan, i hoped to update it on a regular base, even if its once a day... or afew times a week... I must admit i did a piss weak job at keeping it... considering i havnt posted here for 6 month... this.. will be the last blog i make online.
back then i was troubled... i could have said that it was because of the girl i liked back then, but im just kidding myself... the truth is, its family...
its because of my relationship with my parents, thats the key point.
I never understood the concept of forming friends with your parents... I see my friend's parents being so open about things, going out and so on, when comparing to mine... i must admit that whilst I was never a good son... they werent exactly good at parenting me.
For the last 10 years of my life... I have been in a fight, where i was the underdog. My enemy, was ironically, my parents. Whilst they tried to control me... i have always fought back... winning the temporary grounds but ultimately losing again and again.. In those 10 years... I have never thought about giving up, yet.. the result is me losing again and again... maybe to the friends I have, I seem to be so free, smiling... joking... having no worries but deciding which other chick I wanna chase each day, but to me, those are just the escape... the shell i created around myself to cover my own troubles...
Each time, like this time, the blow from my parents is not huge... but I am sick of it... sick of fighting... sick of being tired... sick of knowing I am not worthy of the son they want... sick of me unable to be the son they want... sick of their looks of disapproval when they look at me... sick of this place which i wish to call home, yet never feels like home... sick of the awkwardness of them near me...
For those of you that been to my house.... that portrait that you saw is nothing but a dream which my parents wanted, nothing but a reminder of me that I am honestly shamed to even admit...
This will be the last battle im gonna fight... which i have lost yet again... I can fight another one... win for a while... but ultimately lose... but whats the point... im just sick and tired of all of this...
U gotta know that there are wars u cant win... and this one... will be one of them...
I give up fighting against them... maybe its for the best... if i cant be happy both ways... i mite as well as me less tired... mentally and physically...
I give up

cycles

whatever goes around, comes around... tHis cycle.. Im sick of it... Yeh im still spinning helplessly in it.. I want to change its course.. but... Im afraid of that accidental death if it goes terribly wrong... Why change anything at the risk of death when all u need to do is to endure the temperary pain and happiness this ride provides.. Why the risk?
i remember a shelled up life... I once had... Oh.. how i miss the bliss i once had about life... im a fortunate person... I have a roof over my head, enough food to ensure i dont die... Clothe to fend off the cold nights... I should be content.. Yet.. Im not.. possibly driven by my own greed, desire and jealousness (if its an actual word), i want more... And more... And more. In short.. Im selfish and stuck in my own imaginary world...
Maybe i shouldnt bash myself too hard... But by doing so... I mite wake up from my dreams and realise im not as great as how i think of myself...
I honestly dont know what im really saying... Just like i cant even communicate with anyone lately.. there are stuff i wanna say.. But i cant put it into words... When im alone i want pplz to be around.. And when i am with pplz i want nothing to be by myself... It feels like no one understands me as much as i thought they would... Even tho they probably do... everyone has their own issues... So it does make sense...
Feeling so tired lately... Physically even then i didnt do alot.. i sometimes can feel the old me... But now.. Im not so sure... Im afraid of it going back to 3 weeks ago...
Anyways for anyone who reads this blog, 801 and counting, 30 bux if u guess what the number represents, one guess only, end of this is end of the week :) i will be impressed if u get it right tho :P
Over and out

Moments of joy...

so i havnt blogged for a while, but its been an busy week/weeks, xmas, new year, uni prefences, open day, learning to drive, an so on on, just been juggling everything slowly. Keeping busy is good, but it cant fill the sense of lost i been feeling lately..., truth and reality are harsh stuff... While denial, stupidity and dreams can be somewhat of a bliss. I wish there is a way to express how i really feel atm.. But there are no real way, i know its not the end of the world... But hell, it sure feel like it... Fun stuff are fun... But when u mixxed the wrong fun together... As my little short asian friend says... dont even think about it...
All this made me think about the common quote spoken by bros.. 'bbh' or.. 'bros before hoes'... When i was younger... I would have said that like that without a blink of an eye.. But im older now... while not wiser perhaps... But certainly more realistic... Been in love...or in my case, been in like (oh man that is always weird to say) Doesnt make sense, it makes u do stuff u wouldnt do... and... make one choose between brohood, or the girl/woman he desires... While i doubt i can choose correctly... like i said... Reality is cruel and harsh... What is meant to happen, mite not be how you imagine it to be... I dont know what im trying to say tbh... All i know is im been stubborn about the impossible and rediculus as it sound, (even to me) it hurts... Not physically... Not even mentally... But hell it hurts...
Maybe im just... Weak willed... But what can i do?? Rite now im not even me... just a depressing side of me... Silent and just deep in thought... And seeking moments of joy.. living seconds by seconds... Minutes by minutes... what doesnt kill me... definately isnt making me stronger.., more like drugs or alcohol... Its consuming me and making me addicted.. Slowly and there is nothing i feel i could do to save myself... Or even wanting to stop tbh...
She was rite... It wasnt the best time for any of us... Esp for me... And even now i dont think its the rite time... oh llol... dont mistaken me.. Im not saying i have a chance... But i dont know what i want.... At all tbh... No... I know what i want... Just dont have my priority right... Wrong timing... With alot of mistakes... Makes everything so fatal... And so painful...
my bday is coming up... But... why do i feel so worried about it?? im hoping you are wrong... But... I think like always... you will be rite as usual...'if u cant beat them... Join them no?'
Just a random thought...
From
Some random guy

one act

its been a while since i wrote something here, i spend yesterday, well the afternoon more like to rethink about simon's bday... If anything, i make a terrible person and worst of all a horrible friend... and its not because she isnt worth the effort... Its just been me, me all along... Im not the worthy enough to do this, too immature... Too stupid and pathetic... More then ever, im dissappointed in myself.. And i dont trust myself... Or know who im anymore. Its all fine to say, u made a mistake and drunk too much... But it wasnt true... I purposely wanted tp fuck up literally my last chance... I regret it now... But nothing can bring that back... Just totally weak...
Funny how barely 1 week ago i was so confident about this... But.. its been life changing times lately... I did some stupid shit which can probably never fix. I am sorry for it but keeping on apologising doesnt fix it, but we both dont know how it's meant to be fixed aye? Maybe time matey, but there is one thing im gonna disagree on.. U aint gonna forget and forgive easily and she is definately not just a girl lol... sigh...maybe time is the medine i need... But right now its also a poison which is consuming me.
its easy to see what i did... But the question is why did i do it, mix it with a strongly dunken mind and alot of desperation... And a hint of anger would explain only abit... But definately not the whole story. Stuff was on my mind and sigh.. I shouldnt have worried about it... not because i shouldnt give a fuck, but im really tacless when it comes to shit like this... And i bottle up alot of it... Only when my guard is down i let it out... And it doesn't make it better in the end...
Days goes by and nite creeps away, new year tics by and im once again blinded... Sigh... i need to take my mind off stuff and freecell isnt cutting it... Either is having no comp,,, sigh..
Thanks for all of the pplz that looked after me when i was super drunk...
On a happier note, i iwsh everyone of you guys happy christmas and hopefully get alot of presents :)

Since last night... I have thought really hard into everything that has been going on in my life. Stuff that are both small and big. I realised that some stuff are meant to happen like when two good friend's ideals clash against each other, perhaps accepting that the friendship will take a turn for the worse and perhaps... not survive.

I have also realised that when stuff are not meant to work out, regardless of the reasons behind, it probably doesn't work out for a good reason. For the better half of the last 2 weeks, i think i been dreaming something which isnt possible, and figuring out how to change myself for that cause instead of changing for myself. Maybe in the end it is a "bonus" as someone once put it to me.

If anything coming to riverwood has taught me, is that I do not want to be the old me, gambling away and living it day by day... I like plans, organisation and ironically (given my home situation), stability more then ever since coming here. The more I think about it now... In many ways I want to become more mature about life, and start taking up responsibilities... Lol, yes You heard it right.

In fact i just gave my dad a call just to see how he is doing in Melbourne just then (no joke), if that means anything to any of you guys.

So ya... gonna look into my courses tomorrow and probably go and buy a shirt or something :)

Then monday popping to bas' to do bum around^^

Just stuff

Life takes unexpected turns and unexpected results. Things seemed impossible 2 minutes ago became possible and somethings just stay the same... just always the same. Others stuff seemed possible but now seems impossible. With all that out of the way, the most important thing is that nothing will happen if no one do anything about it.

So I am over at riverwood atm, gonna stay here for the rest of the week with a friend of mine. I gotta say, so far i have fought the temptation of how my mess started. For once, i actually feel more and more in control of what I can or can't do. Maybe it will give me the courage to do what i want to do. This sometimes feel like a double edged blade, because I am not doing this for myself, rather for a reason... should my reason fail me, I could turn back twice as fast. Right now, this is my main worry... But then again, if you don't try... how can u even achieve it?

I can't keep pushing it back, but right now it's not the right time... just hoping for a miracle which will never come really...

Showdown is in a week... lets see how it will work for ... well all of us really


Fireflies <3

perspectives...

I have always wondered if a hero of any story knows their true peril in the face of danger and see it as clear as the audience that is watching their every movement... Now, I am not saying I am a hero, but hell, no matter what you are involved in, I don't think you see it as clearly as others who are around you. The last week... was blinding for me, nothing really went well, everything seemed to have gone wrong, rather horribly. But I guess its how someone deals with it really. You could ignore it, run away from it or embrace it and take it on..., for the entire last week... I picked the running away choice and well, it didn't work well at all.

This week... I don't know if I am exactly embracing it, but I am certainly not running away. Sure, im still doing some stupid shit, like trying to pay for some people's lunch when I am well (not exactly broke) but not in a great position to do such a thing. I don't know really, Monday was an interesting day for me, I think i epically failed the day (on the scale of epic failness, 9/10 :P) and scabbed myself some redemption points that night tho. After all, you can only epic fail one thing a day no?

There are also many things that hit me after sunday (cheers for the talk, Mrs I-am-short-and-I-can-make-Peter-scared-of-me) :P, one of them was gambling.
I havn't gambled for a long while now... almost a month ish? And last night, I realised that the reason why I started gambling and why I continued it... it was completely different...
I went into casino the first time to have some fun and see how well I can play, but... it turned from first time for the lolz, second time to see if I can do it again and after... just pure gambling... I wasn't even thinking much... just chucking money away hoping i can win... Am I saying I'm going to quit from going there ever again? No, not really... but I am taking a long long long long break from it and not turn it into a weekly event. That was just one of the few things I start seeing differently.

There are still alot of stuff to work on... one of them i think i did a good job today, hopefully i can do another tomorrow, which is tbh, my only real inspiration to all this stuff.

P.S. hsc bands comes out in 5 hours... I don't think i will be checking anything until dinner on the 17th tho.

for once.. i sort of look forward to when i wake up :)