life... sucks????

life sometimes takes an unexpected turn, for the better, for the worse. Its seemed so long ago when i was looking at my bedroom and its everything i was used to, it was ridiculus to think that i had everything figured out and that my plans would just somehow make sense and all will be well and that , everything is gonna work out, dont know really tbh, i want to live a life where i look forward to each day... right now, im dying(figuratively)..., i cant even motivate myself much anymore..., and having stupid thoughts, (not suicidal, if thats what your thinking about).
I cant even explain it...,

some people believe that life is a rollercoaster... but if life is a rollercoaster, surely the going down part is the "fun" part, while the going back up part is a build up of the good times no? I dont know really.. it seems like either atm, im not having a good time nor am i building up to have a good time... im just wasting my time waiting for a fucking number... which is going to tell me pretty much what im going to do for the "rest" of my life... either i failed, or gotten enough to go to a uni...

I tell myself i shouldnt worry about something i have no control over... but seriously... im worried... im not going to lie and say, hey its just a number, as much as i want to pretend this is...

there are alot of stuff which isnt making sense at all atm... stuff isnt adding up... well either ways... this thing has been somewhere on my mind ever since the last time everyone meet up, for the last time..., u can say its somewhat on the top of my to do list... even tho it shouldnt be with all the crazy stuff going on atm... but... i cant help it if this is a tough puzzle on my mind no... its not because i want a thrill... but i cant help how i feel... I really... suck... at... this... entire thing... lol, always the mondays where i need to fail huh :P

Speaking of mondays, not sure if im really up for it for anything next week... just havnt been me at all lately... I doubt the guy above me will let me off the hooks tho, cause if i dont go... its pretty much gg for everything i have my eyes set on... because its worth it....., I know its worth it... but the question is.. am i worthy it? I love to have an answer for that... but really... only i can answer it... when i know myself better...

peace out

one time